8 August 2021

Watching the River Flow

 Flow, River, Flow.....



I am at The Bridge, watching the river flow....  



Simon Russell Beale, or Simon Beale as he was at Clifton College when I called the roll....  is also at The Bridge, construing Johann Sebastian Bach as a difficult father.  Photography is not allowed in the theatre, so this is an artist's impression of SRB as JSB.....




In October 2010 Mr Beale wrote, in his Foreword to Nicholas Kenyon's Pocket Guide to Bach, that the book tells the story of a man who from an ordinary family background, with a thorough but unexceptional education, a man who wrote dazzling music that summons up the sensual, everyday pleasures of the world around us, could then push himself to produce work that touches the face of God.....





Although it's an interesting play, with some effective moments and fine acting, in general it exudes a shortage of drama, and the paragraph above does more for me than the interactions of the actors on the stage, with - in my mind - the dumpy, argumentative maestro taking me back rather to Clifton in the mid-70s than Leipzig in 1750.  And I suspect Simon Russell Beale, despite his love for Bach, knows it's something of a Mess in B minor.....


Outside the theatre the river flows on under the bridge.....





It's good to be back in the city, even if only very briefly.  Life hasn't stopped, yet, though the streets are still relatively quiet.....



Tottenham Court Road


It's good to be out and about, moving freely through the arcades,



Burlington Arcade


The side streets,



Colville Place

And the parks, where the air is green and perfumed.....



Gordon Square

In Leicester Square, the Bard is having a wash and brush up,




And in Trafalgar Square the police seem relaxed,



One with no tie and bursting at the belt; the other neat with pink accessories



I drop in to The National Gallery to pay homage to my namesake kneeling in a cloth of gold in the Wilton Diptych:




I pause to admire a guitar solo in the San Pier Maggiore Altarpiece:




Wander down The Avenue at Middleharnis, one of my all time favourite places:



Meindert Hobbema


Then take a stroll in the beautiful Tuscan countryside: 



The Assumption of the Virgin: Francesco Botticini


Before pausing to look at life on the Grand Canal in Venice:



Canaletto


It's great to roam again, even if, when I turn to look at a mirror; I see an old man, puzzled by this streaming world, distressed by infirmity, unsure about the past, the present or the future....  Something like Johann Sebastian Bach toward the end of his life....



Rembrandt: Self Portrait at the age of 63


It's great to roam again, even if only in my mind's eye. So, back outside, I see a Virgin and Child.  Well, perhaps not exactly that, but the tenderness of mother's attention and the cool confidence of the child make me wonder at the ongoing flow of humanity and its resilience.





So, bach (sic) to the river, and that swirling coalescence of notes and molecules that rises and falls with the tide, but continues incessantly under the bridge.  Watch a bubble, or an eddy, and see it disappear.  Watch a leaf, or a discarded bottle top, watch it spin and dip and carry on, towards the sea and some form of watery death. Hear the embellishments, the cadenzas, the repetitions....


The river flows
It flows to the sea
Wherever that river goes
That's where I want to be


The Ballad of Easy Rider as sung by Roger McGuinn, but derived from a note on a paper napkin by Bob Dylan, follows the current, which perhaps began with Edmund Spenser in Prothalamion.... 

People dance in the evening, the river slipping away past us all, tugging at our lives, eroding the time we have left, while shining Godzillas reach for the clouds on the far bank.




T S Eliot took up the theme in part three of The Waste Land, The Fire Sermon:

By the waters of Leman I sat down and wept... Sweet Thames, run softly till I end my song,
Sweet Thames, run softly, for I speak not loud or long.


Youth seems oblivious of the drift. Wachet auf, ruft uns die Stimme......




And, from another angle, the Shard rises to the heavens: Der Himmel lacht! Die Erde jubilieret....




I wonder.  I wander.  My head returns to another song about the river.  Ewan MacColl's Sweet Thames, Flow Softly.  Although it has nothing, really, to do with this piece, it is a beautiful song about London and the river, and never better performed than by Christy Moore with the damaged angel SinĂ©ad O'Connor (Shuhada Sadaqat) harmonising shyly in the chorus.  Have a look and a listen:  https://youtu.be/Tgwtl-s0CNI

So then, into the fading night, join me by the riverside, while lights glisten on the surface and  Bob and Leon join in the ruffling waves:

But this ol’ river keeps on rollin’, though
No matter what gets in the way and which way the wind does blow
And as long as it does I’ll just sit here
And watch the river flow

Watching the River  Flow
Bob Dylan, 1971







31 July 2021

Road to Utopia

 Pretty Poison(s)




Years ago I saw a film called Pretty Poison starring Anthony Perkins and Tuesday Weld.  It was released in 1968 so maybe I saw it round about then....  It has stuck in my mind, partly because Anthony Perkins (Norman Bates: Psycho) was most effective as the disturbed young man (Dennis Pitt), and partly because I clearly remember the scene where they sabotage a factory which was pouring coloured effluents into a river.  



In my mind that was what the film was about - industrial pollution - and I can still see those pipes of bright fluids spouting into the river water. But now I look it up I find that it's actually about alienated youth, not unlike Terence Malick's wonderful Badlands (1973).



But the title still resonates.  And it tinkles like ice in a glass every time I fix a drink..... which is perhaps why there is the resonance?


A dry martini on a roof terrace overlooking Santa Maria Maggiore in Rome at sunset.....





A gin and tonic in my new home in Norfolk......





A glass of pink wine on a hotel terrace in rural Lazio....





Or a beer and an Arehucas chaser of an evening in the Canaries.....





Yes folks, this is the Road to Utopia.....

Wherever I go I am attracted by the phrase, What's your poison?  Even if it's a rhetorical question, or one whispered by a six foot rabbit (called Harvey) in my ear.....  

And strangely, perhaps, these attractions all have one ingredient in common, which is CH3CH2OH or C2H6O, or ethanol, which, according to my interweb,  has a role as an antiseptic drug, a polar solvent, a neurotoxin, a central nervous system depressant, a teratogenic agent, a NMDA receptor antagonist, a protein kinase C agonist, a disinfectant, a human metabolite, a Saccharomyces cerevisiae metabolite, an Escherichia coli metabolite and a mouse metabolite. It is a primary alcohol, an alkyl alcohol, a volatile organic compound and a member of ethanols. It is a conjugate acid of an ethoxide.....

So gimme a lemonade.....  In a dirty glass.....




I blame my mum and dad....



Or, rather, I thank my mum and dad.  For just about everything.  They never made me drink, but dad's occasional bottle of Tolly Cobbold on the Sunday lunch table, with its enticing neck label of a scantily clad lady, may have influenced me.


Or perhaps it was living in Europe?



That undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?




I know it's bad for me.  


But let us be honest, the one thing that leads to death is life.

O for a beaker full of the warm South, 
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene, 
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim, 
And purple-stained mouth; 
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen, 
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:


 



I find great solace in these pretty poisons.  For me a pleasant evening pastime is to sit with a glass and a book.  A pleasure that is redoubled with two glasses; in this case, one of white wine and one with a peach steeped in red wine.  

Aaahh.....




I do not wish to make light of suffering or illness.  Moderation is almost certainly a good thing, and I am not convinced by Blake's Hellish Proverb that: The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom... Though there is sense in his rider that, You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.


On August 26th this year my friend Truman would have been 109, had his long lease of life not run out a little while ago.  In celebration of his contribution to our collective happiness, friends and family will raise a glass to his memory on that day.  Unfortunately, with Covid and other complications, not everyone can make the trip to Trevignano, but glasses will be raised.  


Just as he raised a good many himself.  Pretty much to his dying day he enjoyed a tumbler of Jack Daniels Number 7, with ice and water, in the evening.




As the song goes:

Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust, 

If the women don't get you, the liquor must....


But if you make it to 108 past a few empty bottles of these pretty poisons then there must be worse things?




But back to the film.  Alienated youth is one thing.  Industrial pollution is another.  Neither are good. Both are major headaches.....


Just thinking about it makes me want a drink.....





Cheers....!



22 July 2021

Shadow Kingdoms

Leisure





What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.



I suppose I first became a carer when my children were born, though perhaps I always cared, in some ways, and, indeed, professionally.  I suppose I cared for my pupils when cycling up to the Valley of the Kings in 40 degrees with Elena Kimble on my cross bar (because she couldn’t ride a bike....) for example.....

 

So, I cared for my children, as one does, and I cared for my wife (who was caring for our children....) 


No time to turn at Beauty's glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.


 



No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

Then, everything went a bit quiet, as our children decided they preferred us not to care too much (so long as it wasn’t a financial consideration), until.....  My dad got ill, which, I find it difficult to credit, was some fifteen years ago now.  Being well organised, he showed me his filing cabinet, but said he couldn’t give me a date.... and so it goes.  He became ill, and was in and out of hospital. Being the geographically nearest of three sons it was natural that I would to and fro when I could, and take mum to see dad in hospital, or visit them both, or meet them somewhere if the going was good.  This is what one does.  I have no regrets – indeed, it was what I expected and partly, at least, why I moved and took work nearer to their home.

 

Then he died.  So, I did my best to sort out the arrangements, the finances, etc, and to look after mum.  Of course, I was not alone in this – don’t get me wrong – but I was there.



 



I visited mum as she coped - so well - with the bereavement; but dementia kicked in, gently, offside perhaps, and she was not able to manage.  So, she moved into care homes....  We sold the house, and, again, because I was there, I dealt with the business and we settled her down....

 

Or so we thought.

 

Nothing is for ever.  She had to change home – four times, I think, as they don’t all do what they say on the tin.  But she remained in our vicinity and I kept up the appearances.

 

Then, eventually, she folded her hand of cards, and was rowed across Lethe.  A serene passing, but not something my wife could understand, as she had already drifted into a form of dementia, the control of language wasting away, like a sandcastle washed by the tides.  As an anecdote, last Christmas, well over a year since we had cremated my mum, Amanda insisted on going to the care home on Christmas Day, only to find, not surprisingly, that we couldn’t get in because of Covid, but also, not surprisingly, because she wasn’t there....



 



And so I sorted out the death certs, and the banks and the probate and so on, and we moved on, finally, sort of, being released from Hertfordshire, and able to move to somewhere with enough space for a care plan for Amanda....

 

And here we are.  Amanda, my wife, not quite the wife I espoused, but then in a mirror world I guess she could question the pretence that I was the one she had selected all those years ago...  


No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.


 



And here we are.  

 

I care. 

 

And I care because that is what you do.... Till death do us part?  Who now remembers Else (Dandy Nichols)?  Who remembers Al Garnett?  And, inter ales, who might pick out of those memories any real affection or care in the relationship?  Silly old Moo!  

 

I think it was there.  Johnny Speight had a heart.

 

We all care, I hope, in our own ways.  Some have heavier crosses to bear, and some walk on water.

 

At sicksty-seven, Amanda is really quite well.  It’s just that her mind is plated up and the connections aren’t there anymore.  Chewing doesn’t always lead to swallowing.  Needing a wee, doesn’t always mean going to the toilet.  And so I - we - the whole team - are carers.  

 

Financially this is burdensome. We are currently spending around £2.5K a month to have other people attend to Amanda’s needs some 34 hours a week, though this does not quite mean we can abdicate all responsibility during those hours.  And then, there are still 134 hours a week when, while she may well be resting, she cannot be left alone.

 

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not lamenting.  Things could be far worse, and I know only too well that many others have been dealt a worse hand than me.  But, for those yet to experience the trials that may come with ageing and slow deterioration, here’s the picture.

 

You are pretty much on your own.  If you have a heart attack, or break a leg, or perhaps eat yourself into diabetes and kidney failure, the NHS (i.e. the tax payer) will pick up the bill.  For those whose misfortune is to lose their minds (i.e. to suffer from dementia) the responsibility remains with the next of kin, if there are any.



 



No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.


We have been fortunate.  And we are grateful.  We have received support from Queen Square in London and, since our move to Norfolk, from Chatterton House in King’s Lynn, but their resources are limited and stretched.  I cannot help but feel that behind these good people there is a government department energised in getting their agents to keep me alive to look after my wife, so the state doesn’t have to pick up the tab.

 

And in the meantime?  

 

Life goes on, all around.  We see disasters here and there on the TV.  We hear of Covid striking down able-bodied postman on our doorstep.  We live on.  We do our best to care, whether for our partners or our family, or for our friends who may have different problems....



 



I know this is selfish, and who cares?  But I now realise that my carefree life as a youth was a dream.  I had a full life of fun and extravagance and foolishness – and I enjoyed it.  Then I had children and learned to care.  And so it came about.....


And it hasn’t really changed much.  Dad.  Mum.  Amanda. Then girls still seeking true independence.  That seems to be what life is really all about. 


Care. 

 

Why should I question it?

 

Though....

 

 

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Leisure

by

William Henry Davies






May you stay Forever Young.....




14 July 2021

Where are they now?

 Tigers, c 1960




In the maelstrom of our recent house move, many things came adrift, and I am now in the process of attempting to restore order after the storm.

Just a day ago I happened on this piece of flotsam (above), which floated to my attention in a pile of photos on a bookshelf.  It was still in its presentation card mount, and it has "Tiger's (sic) When I was in Prep 3" written on the back in red ink, in my scruffy hand.  I would have been 8 or 9 years old, and, judging by our clothes, it would have been the summer term of 1960.  I had begun that year in Prep 2, but, with two of my friends, had been moved to Prep 3 during the year, for reasons I am still not clear about.  

If I remember correctly, Prep 2 had Mr Still as form master, a man who inflicted painful punishment on his charges if they made mistakes, usually applying what he called 'inspirationwhich involved pinching some hair behind one of your ears between his thumb and forefinger and twisting it malevolently.  Prep 3 was in the hands of Mr Ireland, I think, who would sit miserably at his desk in the mornings and then suddenly rush to the toilet from which he would return a few minutes later pale faced.  It was only years later that I recognised the symptoms as almost certainly being those of a massive hangover.

Anyway, "Tiger's" (sic) refers to our house, so the front row here would have been the gods from Prep 4 and the back row the squirts from Prep 1.  Quite what our house did, or who was in charge, I now forget, though I assume we competed against lions and warthogs or some other beasts, in football, cricket, athletics, ect ect....


So who were my housemates? It is strange, perhaps, that I have only seen one individual from this group since our various ways parted over the years at school.  One or two stayed on to the sixth form, but several departed prima.  But it is also strange that I remember every face, and something of their characters, even at this distance of time.

The back row are perhaps the vaguest.  From left to right as you look at the picture there's Croke, Tanner, Ede, Folkard and Knowles (and, yes, we knew each other mostly by surnames, though some may have acquired nicknames along the way).  Of the five I can only tell you that Folkard, with his dimpled smile, who was a gentle soul, became an accomplished 'cellist.  The one in the middle, with a slightly tense grin, was Simon Farmer, whose elder brother, Michael, was for many years one of my elder brother's best friends.  They lived on Castle Hill, I think, and we may have visited their home some times.

Tanner, who has something of a blank expression, must have been a boarder, as that tie denotes.  I know nothing else about him.

The next row would have been my exact contemporaries, and there were some characters there.  Cavill - John his first name - stayed on to at least O Levels, and I believe we may have been friends for some of that time.  I may be making this up, but I seem to remember he boarded for some of the time, but later commuted from somewhere like Aylesbury, or Chesham Bois?  I recall he made us laugh.

That's me, with the dark hair and nervous lips, next to him, and then there's Julian Alcock, another boarder, who may have lived in France, as you may discern from his facial expression (??? What do you mean?  Ed.  Just imagine a Gitane drooping from those lips.  Maybe a ballon of vin ordinaire in the right fist?  Oh, Hell.  Am I a racist?  You need a therapist, Ed.  Next thing you'll have him in a beret with a string of onions round his neck and a bicycle under his arm.....  OK OK, but I nevaire leeved in ze UK when zey 'ad 'Allo 'Allo!

Next to him is Alex Mackintosh, the only one to have his top button done up without a tie.  He lived up Cross Oak Road, on the left, not far from the Millers....

Brown, Andrew? was the son of the vicar of St Mary's, Northchurch, where my grandfather had been choirmaster and organist many years before, and where my granny had helped stitch the Mother's Union flag (or was it Women's Institute?  I expect it's still there.). The happy look on Brown's visage suggests a well balanced home life, and in truth I think it might have been.  Later on, perhaps when his father retired, they lived up a lane behind the Rex, and I remember going to a teenage party there one time.

You know the kind of thing.  A beer.  A cigarette.  You don't feel very well.  The person you fancy is with someone else.  The music is loud.  It's hot.  You get into conversation with someone in the kitchen who asks how you don't know you are a figment of their imagination (Steve Harrowell asked that question).  You stumble into the garden.  It's time to go home.



Now Lockhart (Nick, possibly? or Simon?) was, I think one of a family of builders.  And he resurfaced not long ago as one I could have met up with after bumping into two of my old classmates at a memorial service for John Davison, a much loved friend and teacher from our teenages.  I had a subsequent email inviting me to maybe meet up with some others from the dim and distant, and I sort of hesitated.

And the moment was lost.  

But perhaps Lockhart is still there?  Somewhere.    With his engaging and innocuous smile.

Next to him is Hopkins. 'Hoppy.'  A naughty boy.  He lived in the lock keeper's cottage at Dudswell, on the Grand Union Canal, with about twenty (I exaggerate) siblings and would rarely be consistent about attendance or convention or anything.  He used to bring mice in to class in his pockets.  He could also, I am reminded, swallow his tongue.....

Probably became some kind of entrepreneur..... Look at the face.  "What me, Guv?"

And then Marks.  Might have been Lawrence?  Or John (more likely).  A surly, embittered expression.  A boarder, and not a happy one.  Broken family and resentment.  Difficult to know and not one that reached out for friendship.  Given to anger and pain.  Frequently beaten by staff. I really do hope he found peace.

Hargreaves - smiley, laughing, not a care.  The polar opposite of Marks.  Played football like a stick puppet, but laughed like a waterfall. I hope he too found happiness....

Then Manders. Paul.  Son of a hardware merchant in the High Street who loved dancing.  Ever such nice people.  He (the father) died on a cruise ship, in his chair, resting after dancing cheek to cheek with his lovely wife.  Just like that.  And Manders had such a sweet nature.  Not a shred of malice.

Followed by Niggles.  James Niven. aka Jim nowadays.  One of three boys to friends of my mum and dad.  Residents of Anglefield Road and sporty types.  James was the lead guitarist of our supergroup and still aims to make a hit.  The one person in this picture that I have met with in recent years. And hardly changed a bit - still the same skinny cool guy I never really knew.



The front row begins (left to right) with an anomaly.  But Molyneaux was exactly that.  I think he belonged in the back row, being younger than anyone, but he simply wouldn't have shown, so they brought him forward.  He was an absolute clone of his dad, a minister of the cloth, and little David could have preached a fine sermon even in Prep 1.  

Then we have the cheery Morecambe.  I know nothing of him, though I can recall his unusually deep laugh.  Notice he is one of two who wear a watch.  A sure sign in those days of wealth and, perhaps, status.  

Then Rudd. Andrew (not Amber). A good natured soul who later learned a few folk songs with me in our back room, strumming our guitars and thinking we might one day be cowboys.

Then Ian Phillips. A sporting star and probably good at absolutely everything.  He certainly excelled at swimming and cricket and being favourite and all that and was almost certainly the Captain of Tiger's (sic).  Nothing would go wrong for Ian.  He even went out with Jackie Short (after me, I think).

Penultimately Jim Townsend.  Possibly the only one in this picture with more than a smidgen of ethnic minority blood, though I haven't explored anyone else's DNA.  He was certainly one of the first of this disorderly group to own and drive a car, despite his propensity for rolling it in the ditch.....  But that would have been some six or seven years later.  He was a good sportsman too, and, as you can see from his posture, a confident and likeable young guy.

As for Hurst, the blond on the right, look at his arms.  Now look at the whole picture.  Hands on knees, hands in laps, hands behind.  Only Hurst adopts the closed position (with the exception of Marks behind him, who had his own set of angst).  But he smiles.  The cold, hard smile of Greta Garbo - "I vont to be alone....!"




What has happened to this pride of Tigers?  Where are we all now?  Somewhere, perhaps, another of this motley crew is asking the same question, wondering where, and why, I am....  (Though I really doubt it.). 

Life is so mysterious and exciting.  I mean, look at our shoes.  Look at our hair.  Look at our collective girth.  It would be a strange picture of a group of kids today that didn't include a few lads on the chubbier side.  And of course we wouldn't all be so white, or unadorned, or perhaps so well? (And there would probably be gurls....)

I do hope that my notes here will be taken in the spirit of wonder and kindness intended.  My reading of faces is entirely amateur and unreliable, though I did mingle with these chaps on a daily basis.  

I think what is important to me is that we all meet and play with many other beings, but perhaps we rarely think about them (or is that just me?) I can still almost smell these boys, and still their personalities, their idiosyncrasies (barely hinted at above) shine through the sixty or so years of our lives since the snap of that shutter.

But there is something else.  If you look really carefully over my right shoulder there is another face straying past the scene.  Someone who probably didn't know what was going on.  Not a Tiger, obviously, but perhaps a lonely soul, wishing he could be a Tiger, just for one moment.  He is the one who perhaps deserves our attention.  The one who doesn't fit into the picture at all.


Where are they all now?


Where are we?